


I’m Sorry To Myself

by alistoney



Series: 3b inspired works [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Comfort, Gen, Lightwood Siblings, Withdrawal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-15 02:58:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18065288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alistoney/pseuds/alistoney
Summary: She’d thought she was stronger than this. Had told Simon she’d be fine. She had honestly thought that was the case. After all that time of fighting and learning to be strong, surely one small taste of venom couldn’t ruin everything. But one taste of the venom had been all it took.Izzy in the aftermath of 3x12





	I’m Sorry To Myself

**Author's Note:**

> this fic centers around Izzy’s addiction so if that is in anyway triggering please don’t read <3
> 
> Title from Sober by Demi Lovato

Izzy sat at the vanity and stared at her reflection. She took a long breath and watched her chest rise and fall with the motion. 

She could feel her hands shaking where they were holding onto the side of the vanity, knuckles white with the effort to try and get them to stop. 

She’d thought she was stronger than this. Had told Simon she’d be fine. She had honestly thought that was the case. After all that time of fighting and learning to be strong, surely one small taste of venom couldn’t ruin everything. But one taste of the venom had been all it took.

The joy at seeing Clary alive and well had distracted her. But now, she was alone and she could feel the emptiness in her blood. The craving under her skin for the venom. 

Her fingers shook with need and it took everything in her not to go find Simon, who she knew was still in the Institute, and  _ beg _ for a bite. 

She startled when there was a knock on the door. Three quick taps that Izzy somehow knew was her brother. 

She took a deep breath and pried her fingers from the vanity. The pain in her face was obvious in the mirror and she tried for a smile. One that would fit the happiness she was supposed to be feeling at having Clary back. 

She didn’t hit the mark but sighed and called out a “come in,” anyway. Alec would be more worried if she didn’t let him in than if he saw her pretending to be okay. 

The door creaked open and Alec took a step into the room before closing it behind him. 

“Hey Iz,” he said softly, “I was wondering where you disappeared to.” 

Izzy felt her chest cave in. She’d thought she’d done a good job of appearing happy earlier in the ops center, but if Alec was here checking on her she must have failed miserably. Or maybe Alec was just too good at reading her. Either way, she’d been caught. 

Her throat felt tight as Alec sat down on the edge of her bed without a word. The image reminded Izzy of countless nights of Alec sneaking into her room when they were kids and letting her rant for hours into the night about their mother’s impossible standards. Of Alec gathering her into into his arms when she’d rant herself into tears and telling her everything would be okay. 

She looked up into her brother’s eyes now. Her  _ big  _ brother who had only ever tried to protect her. 

She didn’t want to tell him. To disappoint him with her  _ failure _ . Didn’t want Alec to have to take care of her again like he had selflessly been doing for their entire lives. He had other problems now. Head of Institute duties. A boyfriend. He couldn’t always drop everything for his little sister who couldn’t seem to do anything right. 

Izzy’s throat closed over a choked sob and her body betrayed her as a tear slipped down her cheek.

Alec was off the bed and kneeling at her side in an instant. 

“Iz,” he said softly, voice so  _ so _ Alec that Izzy wanted to laugh, “what’s wrong?”

Izzy laughed self-deprecatingly, letting her eyes move away from Alec’s concerned ones and staring at herself in the mirror. 

Eyes wet, eyeliner a mess, hands  _ still _ shaking. 

“I did something bad Alec.  _ So _ bad.” 

Alec’s hand curled protectively over her wrist and Izzy almost let out another sob at the soothing touch right over the spot where she’d been bitten. Where she’d ruined everything. 

“What? Izzy. You can tell me.  _ Please.” _

His grip tightened on Izzy wrist and she closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to fall. 

“I let Simon feed on me,” she said after a long moment. 

As soon as the words we out of her mouth, Alec’s fingers were gone and he was standing. 

She opened her eyes to find his eyes dark with a fury that she’d only ever seen during a fight.

“He did  _ what? _ ” 

His voice was measured, controlled. Izzy could still hear the anger in his voice even as he tried to hide it. 

She couldn’t let Alec be mad at Simon. That wasn’t what she wanted. It wasn’t his fault.

“Alec I  _ had _ to. He would have died if I didn’t.” 

She felt another tear roll down her cheek and brushed it angrily away. 

“I  _ had _ to,” she said again. This time in a whisper because she didn’t trust her voice not to break over the words. 

Alec softened and moved to kneel beside her again. The fire in his eyes dimmed and Izzy was left with that look. The same one she’d seen in his eyes since she was young. The one that said  _ I’m going to protect you with everything I have _ .

Izzy fell into Alec’s arms and cried. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. I lowkey made myself emo writing it and canon will probably ruin this tomorrow but I needed to get it out there.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!!!
> 
> Comments and Kudos feed my soul <3
> 
> Tumblr: [lightwormsiblings](https://lightwormsiblings.tumblr.com)  
> Twitter: [alistoney1](https://mobile.twitter.com/alistoney1)


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